For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
