Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
How does one acquire holy water?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
