Sorry, I don't speak sober.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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