OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
