my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
