I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Sorry about my life...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
