I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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