I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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