I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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