If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You dont lie about slip and slides
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
where are my eyebrows?
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