Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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