Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
