I accidentally had phone sex last night
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
