I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
