do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I would ride that face into the sunset
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
