he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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