How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
