Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize