Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
