Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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