he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
