Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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