And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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