grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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