I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
