oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Randomize
