I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
