epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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