i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
