Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
