Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
