I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
