in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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