What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
