So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
