Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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