Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
