i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
