I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
