Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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