Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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