Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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