I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
