Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
