I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
