why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
