dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
