i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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