So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
