my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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