The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
