I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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