You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
