i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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