I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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