I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
