I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
third nipple confirmed
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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