wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
