I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
