i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
