wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
