Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
