I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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