So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
