I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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