new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
