Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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